PolkOut.com is stocking shelves with macaroni salad!

Yeah, that smell's not us.

So...yeah...I went a little crazy with the coloring today.  I guess it's all the goose tongue I've been puffing.  That and boredom.  I hate my job.  I'm tired.  it's kind of like one of those Louis Wain progressions...mapping my descent into madness through the coloring and organization of my comic panels.

Saw Roger Waters live again, though this time at MSG.  I love the man's music, especially his solo stuff, but goddamn, the man's to the left of Lenin.  And he's condescending as all hell.  I don't give a shit about your personal politics, man, alright?  I just want you to play Dark Side while I try to get a contact high off these slutty ex-hippy moms sitting behind me.

Saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3.  What a pile of garbage.  It was like being barraged with plot point after meaningless plot point, none of them well developed, all of them superfluous, leading up to an ending I barely cared about.  Jack double-crosses Keira who double-crosses Aragon who's really triple-crossing everybody in one giant cluster-f!ck of convolution.  It became impossible to give a sh!t about these characters anymore, partly because there were so many of them, partly because it's difficult to feel any sort of attachment to them when you don't know what the hell is going on.  Coincidentally, that's what I was having, lots and lots of convolutions.  I was on the floor, foaming at the mouth, my eyes rolling into the back of my head, convoluting.  Though, to its credit, unlike Spiderman 3--which also sucked beyond all reason--it did have a midget shooting a bazooka.  And I guess that's all it takes.

I've been eating a lot of Popsicles lately.  Specifically, Spiderman 3 brand Popsicles.  With Venom, Green Goblin, and Spiderman flavors.  I was kind of disappointed since I was hoping to suck on some Mary Jane (triple entendre?).  Green Goblin was the best flavor.  Anyway, the Popsicle sticks have 'riddles' on them.  I use those sarcastic half-quotations because they're not so much riddles as they are nonsensical crazy-person mini-ramblings.  Here are some actual examples:

Q: What did the bug say when it was stepped on?

A: Nothing, bugs don't talk.

Q: What dog can jump higher than a building?

A: Buildings can't jump.

Q: Why did the bird go to the theater?

A: To hang out in the wings.

Q: What is the most musical part of a turkey?

A: The drumstick.

I know what you're thinking, "Is this f!cking sh!t for real?"  Yes, yes it is.  I don't think these people are even trying.  A good chunk of the riddles are about computers and parts of computers, which leads me to believe whoever's writing them is just sitting at his desk, tripping acid, staring at his computer.

Q: What kind of mouse doesn't like cheese?

A: A computer mouse.

Q: What kind of net can't catch fish?

A: The internet.

And so on.  Well I figured, I could do a better job than these people, so I sent the Popsicle company a letter through their website.  This isn't a joke, my buddy Mark (pictured above) witnessed me writing and sending this:

Hello, my name is Eugene Thunder and I'm an eighteen year-old college student.  I enjoy Popsicles.  Recently, my friends and I have been eating your fine product, specifically of the Spiderman 3 variety, and we've noticed certain common themes throughout the so-called 'riddles' printed on the sticks.  For one, many of them seem to be about computers.  Also, some answers are complete non sequiturs.  We feel this is the result of lazy, uninspired, writing, and I would personally like to offer my services.

Working for Popsicle, writing the riddles, would be an amazing work experience for me that I would honestly cherish.  I'm willing to work for very little, most likely a great deal less than that which you pay your current 'professional' writers, and would accept portions of my payment to be in Popsicle form.  I am an experienced writer and many people consider me witty.

Here is a sample of a riddle I came up with in, quite literally, seconds after consuming a Green Goblin flavored Popsicle, I think you'll find it quite along the same thematic lines of many of your current riddles:

Q: If Carol is two years older than Bill, and Bill is six years younger than Anne, and Anne is twenty-five years old, how old are Bill and Carol?
A: Time is an illusion of our ephemeral psyches.

Please get back to me as soon as possible.  If you like, I'll gladly forward you my resume along with more samples of my riddle ideas.  I can even gear them towards that computer theme that seems so popular among your writers.

This was two days ago.  They haven't responded yet, but I'm still optimistic.

--End Transmission--