PolkOut.com is an uncle!

Yes, we are thinking what you're thinking.

Forum Update: The free ProBoards forum I've been using is starting to break down.  I don't think their server can handle the traffic.  If you could, please post in the new forum: www.PolkOut.com/forum.  It's hosted on my server, and if that starts getting laggy in the future I can just pay for more bandwidth.  I was planning to launch the new forums later, when they actually looked decent, but I guess we'll have to settle for function over form.  If any of you users out there can help me alter phpBB 2.0 code for 3.0 use, I'd appreciate it immensely since I don't know my ass from my elbow when it comes to anything vaguely related to coding.

Quick shit for newcomers:

Forum (deviant bullshit), Feedback (fan art, comments, critiques), About (check it out and contribute).  Do you have a website of your own you want me to give a shout out to?  Want to do a crazy guest strip?  You can reach me through that email or on the forums. 

Upcoming Fan Art Showcase: Whenever I get a substantial amount of fan art (we've got a few submissions on the forum) I'll dedicate a whole update to fan submissions.  Go nuts, lets see some creativity and experimentation with style.

Would not be a normal update if someone hadn't found this site through some fucked up search.  Today we've got "GIRLS IN PANTIES UPDATE" via Windows Live search.  Whatever works I guess.

Anyways, I guess the comic's finally jumped the shark.  When you've got to add a baby to the cast, you know the writing's gotten stale.  Cute kid, I should add.  Only she has these really fucking wrinkly old people hands that gross me out.  I hope she grows better ones.

Being an uncle's going to be pretty fucking awesome.  Not in the short term, no, but there'll be sweet sixteens, bat mitzvahs, quinceañeras; plenty of fucking opportunities to approach lots and lots of young girls and ask them questions like, "So, uh... do you know what whiskey tastes like?"  It's a worthwhile investment.

I figure I ought to have more to say on the matter, on the birth of my step brother's first kid, but... uh... yeah, I think I'll just rant about Nickelodeon shows and videogames.

Jon and I were really fucking psyched for the iCarly movie.  We dropped our PS3 controllers, bolted out the door, bought a pizza, grabbed some snacks, and planted our asses firmly into my couch to watch the goddamn thing.  Do you know what we got in return?  Disa-motherfucking-ppointment.

Here's what's both great and horrible about Dan Schneider sitcoms: the writers smoke a lot of weed.  The ideas they come up with tend to be creative, original, and completely insane.  But sometimes, well... often, these crazy ideas can't really manifest themselves on the sober plain effectively--much like most stoner ambitions.  For instance:

Works: A character on Zoey 101 creates a laser canon to stun a rat that's running wild in her dormitory; she fires it, misses, the energy bullet ricochets off the wall and knocks her out.  Slapstick fucked the surreal and they birthed hilarity.

Fails: Carly, Sam, Freddie, Spencer, and Mrs. Benson are parachuting out of a cargo plane filled with possums into the Japanese countryside.  It's a crazy idea, you can say it out loud to yourself and maybe even giggle, but when someone sits down and writes the setup, the scene, the aftermath--really fleshes out the concept--it's pretty shallow. 

The movie was a whole lot of fail.  The iCarly segments themselves--which are rarely ever entertaining--the half hearted culture shock gags, the random bullshit... it all fell flat.  I was also extremely disappointed that they didn't even fucking go to Japan to film the damn thing.  There was a point, in that aforementioned cargo plane, when the pilot tells our heroes that they're five minutes from Tokyo, then there's a shot from outside the plane and it's just barren countryside.  Granted, I've never been to Japan, and I have no idea how much distance a cargo plane can cover in five minutes, but...

...bullshit estimation: Lockheed's C-141 cargo plane can hit about 569 mph.  The plane in the film was some old rust bucket piece of shit, so I think 400 mph would be a fairly liberal estimate.  In five minutes, or .0833 hours, this plane can travel approximately 33 miles.  Do you know what you'd find 33 miles outside the borders of New York?  Do you know what you won't find?  BARREN FUCKING NOTHING.  There are buildings, suburbs, towns!  iCarly, who the fuck do you think you're kidding?

Blue screens, recycled backgrounds, nowhere locations... there was nothing, no point, no obligatory montage, that even hinted that they were even on that island.  I felt legitimately cheated.

Furthermore, would a little fucking fact checking have hurt the writing process?  What side of the road to Japanese people drive on?  Huh?  Do you know?  BECAUSE I DO.  Here's a hint: THE LEFT.

The whole movie just... sucked.  Underwhelmingly written trite bullshit.  With one singular, glorious exception: Jerry Trainor.

Jerry Trainor is PolkOut.com's first official celebrity endorsement.  I know, I know, usually it's celebrities who do the endorsing, but fuck that.  We're treading our own path and doing our own fucking endorsing.  This man has the Midas touch of comedy.  If you're reading this and you've got some important position in some big movie of television studio, you have to, well first give me a job, then HIRE THIS MAN.

Anyway, videogames: I spent all of last weekend, when not being underwhelmed by Nickelodeon, playing LittleBigPlanet.  Great fucking game.  Too bad it lags to shit on my wireless network when I try to play online.  The developer levels are nothing short of fantastic, save for the final, frustrating world.  I even made my own level!  Check it out, it's called World of Donkeys or Donkey World, I forget which one.  Heart it and heart me as a creator.

As for my continued criticisms: z-axis motion is still total dog shit and the jump pisses me off.  Here's the problem with jumping: you can tap the button lightly to do a short jump or mash it to do a long jump.  Why is this problematic?  Well most platformers have two jump distances, but they employ a double jump mechanic--why is this superior?

Run run run OBSTACLE jump ohnodidnotguagethedistanceright DOUBLE JUMP.

This necessity to pick your jump distance before you're actually at or above the obstacle makes it more difficult to improvise your actions, forcing you to rely more on map memorization.  Jumps also feel somewhat inconsistent.  Once in a while you'll find a ledge that you just can't reach, you mash the jump button again and again and again and your little guy just can't do it.  Until he can.  Randomly.  After the upteenth fucking attempt.  I've heard a gameplay patch is on the way, so I'm optimistic.

I think that's pretty much it for this week.  Come, join me on the forums.  We'll cyber.

--End Transmission--

PolkOut Sells Out

The following are ads I've put up on the site to help pay for my advertising budget so I can make this site more popular.  I did not choose these ads, and have decided not to filter their content.  So if they go to cute baby pictures, well, all the better.