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PolkOut.com hopes one day there'll be a Christmas stocking with its name on it! ...though that's not worth much if we're still on the naughty list.
Forum Update: Post in the new forum: www.PolkOut.com/forum. It's hosted on my server, and if that starts getting laggy in the future I can just pay for more bandwidth. Any artistic contribution to the forum would be terrific. You can still check out the old forum, and older pages will still link to it for now, so... uh... do whatever with that intel. Quick shit for newcomers: Forum (deviant bullshit), Feedback (fan art, comments, critiques), About (check it out and contribute). Do you have a website of your own you want me to give a shout out to? Want to do a crazy guest strip? You can reach me through that email or on the forums. Upcoming Fan Art Showcase: Whenever I get a substantial amount of fan art (we've got a few submissions on the forum) I'll dedicate a whole update to fan submissions. Go nuts, lets see some creativity and experimentation with style. Guest comic guidelines are in the forum. Weird searches that have led here:
miranda cosgrove big mouth
and the thematic outlier: On one hand, I feel sort of bad considering how many unsuspecting tweens are accidentally stumbling onto my site and having their minds polluted... on the other, based on those search queries, these kids are already pretty damn polluted. Maybe we deserve each other. It's winter break. I've got an entire month to do whatever the hell I like and I've been bored as all hell. I've been watching a lot of television... more than I have in a while. First it was the Disney Channel... I caught the tail end of one fucking hell of a Hannah Montana episode; Jackson, Miley's older brother, played by the thirty-one year-old Jason Earles, and Lilly, Miley's best friend, played by sixteen year-old Emily Osment, discover they have crushes on one another and begin dating. As I watched this unfurl on screen, I was lost in a feeling that was some horrifying amalgam of disgust and delight. Sort of like in that episode of iCarly where Carly is trying to woo this older guy and so she starts slutting it up in all sorts of revealing outfits. Part of my brain screams, "THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE!" while the other laughs, "FIRE BUUUUUUUURN!" At the end of the day, I have to admit, I sort of appreciate it all. Well anyway, the Hannah Montana thing ended up being a fucking dream sequence. I let out one of the deepest sighs ever heard on this great hemisphere. I could write this shit. None of those words, smacked onto the script by a writer whose dreams are long dead, sinking in some deep marijuana daze, actually matter. If it's written, it's produced. And I bet they get free lunches once a week. Totally worth it. Saw an ad for the new Demi Lovato vehicle... some bastard half-breed spawn of iCarly and Hannah Montana... she's a web comedian hitting it big, dealing with the difficulties of celebrity. The production values still don't seem up to par with the standard Dan Schneider offering, but the absurdist humor looks like they've been taking notes. And they fixed the gap in Demi's teeth. So, hell, it could be decent. You see those five paragraphs I've written just above this one? Yeah, thirty more sexually confused adolescents just stumbled onto my site through yet another weird Google search. "Demi Lovato fisting" is a one way to train to PolkOut! CHOO CHOO. MTV isn't all that bad if you like laughing at other people. I watched an episode of Made where this skinny, awkward girl desperately wanted to be a cheerleader for some bullshit reason. I didn't really pay attention until she started hanging around the actual cheerleading team... thick thighs, tender bosoms, and tiny skirts spinning into circles that look like flower petals, calling us busy bees to their sweet nectar. They went miniskirt shopping and the cameraman found himself in some pretty creative angles. I was overcome with glee. MTV is quality television. But you can only watch so much of that stuff before ennui starts setting in again. I figured, hey, I could rent a few videogames and kill some time the good old fashioned way. Prince of Persia looked decent and Sonic Unleashed looked good enough... well I've yet to play PoP but thank goodness there was a Sonic Unleashed demo, saved me a solid five bucks at Blockbuster. All of the reviews said that the speedy hedgehog portions were great but the slower "werehog" sections were lackluster. The demo only included the former, so I have no idea how shitty the latter is. This is what playing a hedgehog level was like: Do a line of cocaine off of whatever smooth surface you can find--even if it's the shit stained porcelain insides of your toilet--and pop your 2001: A Space Odyssey DVD into your player. Do another line of coke and flip forward to that scene where Dave is flying through the monolith, tripping all sorts of crazy balls. Do a few more lines of coke. Is your nose bleeding yet? MORE COKE. Maybe play it in fast forward. Now, are you ready for the interactive part? Stick your DVD remote into your mouth and, without using your hands, try to navigate towards the director's commentary... in SPANISH. I don't care how much your nose is bleeding or how much your head is pounding or how many colors you think you see on the backs of your eyelids, just do it. Now imagine that, minus the heart-racing thrill of being hopped up on an illicit substance, and there you have Sonic Unleashed. Unlike it's predecessor, Sonic the Hedgehog (the first generation 360/PS3 action-adventure shit fest), it doesn't play like a game designed and programmed by Vietnamese slave children, desperate for their meager rations of stale rice and septic water, because, well, it doesn't actually play like a game. Tic-Tac-Toe is a game. You're challenged, there are rules, a context, and you use your reasoning skills in order to win. Playing Sonic Unleashed is less like that and more like getting yelled at by a belligerent homeless person. You're too overwhelmed--partly by fear, partly by awe (not "WOAH, great game!" awe, but "what is this shit?!" awe)--to actually kick your brain into gear. To its credit, the controls are slightly better than its predecessor's; when Sonic does his homing attack, he doesn't home in on bottomless chasms anymore (the metaphorical enemy within us all?) but actually attacks robots! The mechanic is back up to the Dreamcast standard. Though I have no idea why it's a separate button now instead of the classic double jump. And there's also a crouch button... fuck knows why. Shit's flying by you super fast, lights are flashing, icons are going crazy, and they give you three fucking buttons to manage--not to mention those unnecessary fucking QUICK PRESS TRIANGLE R1 SQUARE events that God of War made oh so popular--what is this crap?! At the very least, they could've made the damn controls work. There something like a quarter second delay between pressing the jump button and Sonic actually jumping--I lost two lives figuring that out. What the fuck is Sonic Team doing? Do they just not give a shit anymore? Are they stuck in the Hannah Montana pit of creative dissolution? It seems free lunches have corrupted many a man. --End Transmission-- PolkOut Sells Out The following are ads I've put up on the site to help pay for my advertising budget so I can make this site more popular. I did not choose these ads, and have decided not to filter their content. So if they go to images of men making sweet love to flightless birds, well, all the better.
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