PolkOut.com does not have a problem!

Now shut up and pour us another.

Forum Update: The forum looks awesome now!  Big thanks to my friend Alex!  Post in the new forum: www.PolkOut.com/forum.  It's hosted on my server, and if that starts getting laggy in the future I can just pay for more bandwidth.  Any artistic contribution to the forum would be terrific.  You can still check out the old forum, and older pages will still link to it for now, so... uh... do whatever with that intel.

Quick shit for newcomers: Forum (deviant bullshit), Feedback (fan art, comments, critiques), About (check it out and contribute).  Do you have a website of your own you want me to give a shout out to?  Want to do a crazy guest strip?  You can reach me through that email or on the forums. 

Upcoming Fan Art Showcase: Whenever I get a substantial amount of fan art (we've got a few submissions on the forum) I'll dedicate a whole update to fan submissions.  Go nuts, lets see some creativity and experimentation with style.  Guest comic guidelines are in the forum.

Yeah, yeah, I know, we've been all about the lame puns these last few updates... hey, what can I say?  Sometimes this cheesy shit just pours out of us like an infected vag.  Shit happens.  Take your medicine.

I never ate much Burger King back in the states, hell I never really ate much fast food at all.  But when I found the one in all of the Czech Republic I felt a little obligated--

Incidentally, I worked in a Burger King for all of three days a few years back.  My boss was a fucking dick and I quit, but even without his constant anal bullshit (we had to wash the walls over and over and over because if corporate ever came in we couldn't look like we had nothing to do) it was a pretty awful job... soul-wrenching.  Serving huge slabs of fatty food alongside giant cups of sugar water to the morbidly obese didn't really make me feel good about myself.  You know these people can't help themselves, they're compelled by addiction and pathos and hedonistic apathy, but you sure as hell can't do the right thing and say, "Listen, man, this isn't... this isn't going to make you happy," if you want to keep your job.  Jobs like that teach you the kind of stuff you never find in business textbooks.

--but KFC's?  There's practically one on every corner.

After waking up at one or two in the afternoon, my roommate looked at me groggily and asked, "Do you wanna do ghetto breakfast?"

We've yet to find malt liquor anywhere, so we snagged a few cans of Budweiser.  Granted, it wasn't the same old shit you normally find in the states, but the sentiment was there.  Budvar's actually pretty damn decent and I think a little bit cheaper than Pilsner.  Though, to be honest I'm no connoisseur; if it goes down easy enough and has the capacity to fuck me up after whatever volume consumed... good enough.

But anyway, KFC's pretty damn popular over here.  And all the ones I've seen have been very clean inside, with modern decor and an almost chic aesthetic (apologies for the flamboyant vocabulary).  It's a few notches above it's American counterpart in style and the food manages to taste close enough to the original, while also being significantly less greasy, that it earns my approval.  The Czechs actually see it as a pretty respectable joint, as far as chains go, unlike the "dirtier" McDonalds and the unnecessarily expensive Subway.

Fried chicken + beer + Wu-Tang = practically back in New York.  I've never really been that interested in rap or hip-hop (hell, I don't even know if I'm supposed to hyphenate that shit...) but I after I opened my mind to it I've found that it's much deeper than I could've ever imagined. It's introduced me to complex philosophical conceptualizations of socio-financial stratification, racial identity, and gender relations from a perspective I had never considered.  "Bitches ain't nothin' but hoes and tricks" indeed. 

That's supermarket brand discount beer.  I haven't tried it yet but I'm really fucking tempted.  I'm going to head on over there tomorrow--buy me some yogurt and apple sauce (fuck yeah)--and get a few cans of the shit to satiate that nagging curiosity I've had.  Even if it sucks, at least it'd add some much needed variety to my diet.  I've been living mostly off of milk, yogurt sandwiches, and Fernet Stock.

I've already discussed the milk here and how it's both absurdly delicious and ass-shattering.  Yogurt sandwiches were invented on a complete whim; I bought some crusty mini-baguettes and didn't have anything to eat them with--it didn't matter at the time, I fucking love crusty bread--and something deep inside some depraved recess of my subconscious told me to dip it deep into the gooey cavern of delight that is banana yogurt.  Maybe I'm fulfilling some kind of weird sexual urge... though I sincerely hope my id isn't craving crusty, cream-drenched cocks stuffed in my mouth.  On the other hand, that's probably far less disturbing than the rest of that psychological shit mountain I've got locked away in my head...

Honestly though, it's really founded on the same principal as bread pudding.  Flavor, creaminess, texture.  Plus I'm pretty sure it makes your poop more cohesive, so it's a great counterpoint to the milk.

Crazy Wolf is the only energy drink I've had here that hasn't tasted like ass.  The other two that I've tried, Kamikaze and Shock, both taste like piss mixed with medicine mixed with more piss.  Wolf's especially good mixed with Fernet Stock... though what isn't?  Oh, that's right, I've yet to enlighten you all to the majesty that is STOCK...

Here's some information about Fernet Stock that may as well be true:

Fernet Stock is fermented from herbs, kind of like Jager only without that fucking awful licorice flavor.  It's believed to have medicinal qualities; because it's made from herbs it's (possibly?) rich in vitamins and antioxidants.  It's known as both a mood elevator and a long term antidepressant.  It goes down smoother than a fat prom date and has a great minty aftertaste.  It mixes well with everything and is now my official booze of choice.  It's roughly seven dollars for half a liter here in Prague.  It's why this update took so damn long.  It's why I've been spamming my own forums. 

Stock also carries a rich history that leads all the way back to the Bible.  After Jesus finished turning all that water into wine for that big wedding or whatever, he declared, "Whew!  Transmogrifying all that stuff really takes a lot out of you... I could use a drink myself..."  He grabbed a rag and wiped the sweat from his forehead and armpits before tossing it aside to grab a Fresca.  Meanwhile, a young deviant grabbed that discarded rag and draped it over his own face, seeking some sort of masturbatory fulfillment.  But as the sweat soaked slowly into his eyes, nose, and mouth, he was overcome with a feeling that could only be described as flavor-induced bliss.  Driven practically mad by this sensation, he dedicated his life to replicating this flavor in beverage form, and legends say he came extremely close. 

His original recipe was thought lost for generations until the Knights Templar sieged Jerusalem, unearthing masses of old texts and artifacts.  Among them was the recipe, which was swiftly transported back to the Papacy where it was immediately given to the Pope's top brewers.  They concocted the drink with little difficulty but it was deemed to overwhelmingly awesome to be given to the masses, and thus it remained a secret until 1927 when Pope Pius XI took pity on Europe in the midst of its lingering postwar social woes and finally granted the world access to this mind blowing mega-beverage.

This was the same decree that authorized the sale of Jim Beam and cola in a can.

A noble effort indeed.

On a totally unrelated note, I just got back from the Pilsner factory a few hours back.  It was a two hour train ride from Prague, but only seven dollars for the round trip.  A good, touristy time was had by all and I've go to say... unfiltered beer is pretty interesting. 

Anyway, readers, I've got a bottle of Stock to finish, so see you in a week.

--End Transmission--

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