PolkOut.com masturbated all over your apple orchard!

What now?

Forum Update: The forum looks awesome now!  Big thanks to my friend Alex!  Post in the new forum: www.PolkOut.com/forum.  It's hosted on my server, and if that starts getting laggy in the future I can just pay for more bandwidth.  Any artistic contribution to the forum would be terrific.  You can still check out the old forum, and older pages will still link to it for now, so... uh... do whatever with that intel.

Quick shit for newcomers: Forum (deviant bullshit), Feedback (fan art, comments, critiques), About (check it out and contribute).  Do you have a website of your own you want me to give a shout out to?  Want to do a crazy guest strip?  You can reach me through that email or on the forums. 

Upcoming Fan Art Showcase: Whenever I get a substantial amount of fan art (we've got a few submissions on the forum) I'll dedicate a whole update to fan submissions.  Go nuts, lets see some creativity and experimentation with style.  Guest comic guidelines are in the forum.

Parents, future employers, please read no further...

Amsterdam is... a funny city.  I was there for three days and I've come to the conclusion that I prefer living in Prague.  Amsterdam is small, really small, which isn't a problem in and of itself but when you consider the proportions of touristy areas to non-touristy areas... well it becomes hard to really feel what the city is all about.  Prague's got its bullshit too, but it's so centralized and concentrated that walking two blocks out of the old town square will get you knee deep in 'authenticity'--

--alright, I concede, authenticity is a bullshit, borderline insulting, term when it comes to cultures.  People change, societies evolve, and the term has this almost pejorative connotation that favors the old over the new.  Germans aren't "authentic" unless they're sporting lederhosen and beating on Polacks; but in this case I think it's not the worst use of the phrase in that the Empire State Building is not an authentic representation of what it means to be from New York, regardless of what part of the city you live in or what subculture you consider yourself a part of.  There exists a transcendent cultural unity or 'authenticity' that isn't reflected in touristy bullshit--

Also, the Euro kicks my ass.  Well, no, it actually punches me up my ass, yanks out a fistful of shit, and makes me eat it.  Everything was ball-bustingly expensive; food was around four times the price of what it would be in Prague, which really drives a fucking stake through your budget.

Anyway, speaking of authenticity (I'm not functioning on much sleep so sorry if this is all disjointed), you've got what essentially amounts to two tiers of tourists: seedy motherfuckers and family fun jerkoffs.  Of course the city has to appeal to both.  Coffee shop after coffee shop, spaced almost evenly between paraphernalia and souvenir stores, sex shops trying to outdo one another in the intensity of their display... take a fifteen tram ride and suddenly you're surrounded by museums and parks and canal tours.  Finding a part of town that was at least a little undisturbed by the looming shadow of the tourism industry was a challenge.  But I think I found one...

And I bought a souvenir.

I saw it in a junk store, haggled the price down, and bought it.  What the fuck is this?  One of the girls I was traveling with told me she had one as a kid which upset me a bit since I figured I found a real cultural oddity.  It's still fucking creepy as sin though with it's weird... fused-demon-horn... labia head and sickening saccharine smile.

I also bought one of these, since I knew I could use more...

It's a cow bell!  Metal and heavy and awesome!  See, this is a real souvenir.  Not some bullshit that an executive sitting in some office figured would sell to an indiscriminating anybody, manufactured solely for the purpose of being a souvenir.  No, this was made by a Dutchman (probably) for a Dutchman (maybe); it's been used, handled, passed along.  It's a cultural relic (or may as well be...).

This is the wooden crocodile I bought in Moravia; figured I'd mention it while I was on the topic of souvenirs.  This isn't so much a cultural relic (I bought it in a souvenir stand) so much as it is an awesome fucking... thing.  It's mouth opens and closes and its tail wags when it rolls!  Bitchin!

Anyway, Prague Blague's all about cultural... awesomeness.  Unfortunately, as a three day resident of the city, I could really only hope to get a cursory understanding of the city, so my photo philosophy was a little... different this time around.

I ate one of these...

And thought about what I could do for the site... still unsure, I ate one of these:

And a...

Oh and then there was the...

Your brain runs on glucose, you know, so I figured a lot of cake would really help me think.  I started jotting down notes as to what I should do...

So this is what I finally concluded I'd do: instead of finding weird shit and photographing it, I'd just take pictures of anything that struck my fancy.  Anything that elicited the, "uhhhh... what?" reaction and then maybe jot down some notes about it:

I was walking along the canal and I saw this boat here and I just thought to myself, "You look like a doofy bastard..." so I walked up to it and was all, "Excuse me, Mister Boat, would you please pose for a photo?  I think you're really neat."  And the boat was all, "No problem amigo!"  And he sat there and smiled me but I told him to look natural and he just kinda made that face.

WHAT ARE YOU, BIRD?!  You've got a ninja ensemble but your feet look like feathers and that's completely impractical.  In fact your feet upset me.  They're weird, I don't like them.  You're just a cocky looking piece of shit in general and I don't want to talk to you anymore please go away.

FUZZY UNICORN LEAVES FUZZ HIVE!  BE FREE!

KFC knows what's what.  I long for the day that the purple lounge becomes an integral part of all fast food establishments.  Kind of like a playpen for adults.  For debauched adults.

Toad, you silly bitch, the princess isn't here!  Stop getting high.

This upset me.  A lot.

Pretty much the best fucking idea for a store ever. 

Hello there!

I made some notes in my journal of all the neat things I learned and the ideas I had.  I hope no one steals my ramen noodle kangaroo schematic and starts selling them for lots and lots of money.  That'd be pretty fucking uncool.

And no, I didn't bang any hookers.  Maybe if the dollar were stronger...

--End Transmission--

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