PolkOut.com is choking on... on... wait, what the fuck is this shit?!

Do veggie burgers always taste like disappointment?

Forum Update: The forum looks awesome now!  Big thanks to my friend Alex!  Post in the new forum: www.PolkOut.com/forum.  It's hosted on my server, and if that starts getting laggy in the future I can just pay for more bandwidth.  Any artistic contribution to the forum would be terrific.  You can still check out the old forum, and older pages will still link to it for now, so... uh... do whatever with that intel.

Quick shit for newcomers: Forum (deviant bullshit), Feedback (fan art, comments, critiques), About (check it out and contribute).  Do you have a website of your own you want me to give a shout out to?  Want to do a crazy guest strip?  You can reach me through that email or on the forums. 

Update's late because... because... fuck you, that's why.  The day you start sending me checks in the mail is the day I start giving a shit about updating on time.  You're not buying my shit, you're not sharing my site, you're just sipping your tea with your little finger sticking out like some European ball-tickler, in your Ivy League cardigan, khaki pants, and dainty little loafers, scoffing at how plebian my webcomic is.  Go fuck yourself, Charles (or Richard or Wayne or whatever the hell your name is).  You suck.  Asshole.  

Anyway...

Now don't get me wrong, I've had good vegetarian burgers--big wads of beans and llleeeggguuumess grilled and served on a toasty bun--but the veggie burger is a phenomenon all its own.  Kind of like grade school cafeteria meat, its composition is a complete enigma.  A big fucking lump of gray... if disappointment were a flavor, this would be what it'd taste like.  Some day maybe one of you out there will have a son, and you'll watch him grow up, doing your damndest to make sure he grows up right.  Boy scouts, little league, SAT tutors and karate lessons.  Then one day he comes to you and says, "Dad... I wanna move out East and become a hairdresser."  And when he does, lick him.  Chin to forehead, just smear your tongue up and down his face and tell me it doesn't taste like veggie burger because it will.

Ersatz sausage was significantly better but still kind of weird.  The casing tasted like cellophane.  Man, you just can't beat intestines when it comes to stuffing something with animal parts (legit or otherwise). 

There's tons of great vegan and vegetarian food out there though, but when it comes to imitating meat... well, they're not going to win themselves any converts.

So after this vegetarian barbecue on Saturday, I went out West to Jersey.  Hoboken, to be specific, to see some family I have there.  What I hadn't realized was that the town had descended into chaos, divided down its center during this most heated of mayoral elections.  It's come down to two candidates: the Democrat Dawn Zimmer and... the other Democrat, Peter Cammarano.

I try not to hit you guys over the head with my politics because I feel that's kind of... inappropriate.  You know, this isn't a political blog, you're not here to listen to my soapbox bullshit, but this time... I can't stay silent, I refuse to.

Peter Cammarano and his ilk are fungus growing out from the congealed diarrhea that leaks out the festering assholes of the rats that infest Hoboken's stinking sewers.  They are soulless, mindless, scum, and they are killing that town from the inside.  The town has suffered long enough, waiting in silent anguish for a rain to come and wash away this rotten growth.  Dawn Zimmer is that rain.  She is the water, the lightning, the storm, that will drown the infection and save this damned city.

Vote Dawn Zimmer for mayor of Hoboken, New Jersey, if you want an end to the maddening darkness. 

I even got a free Dawn Zimmer t-shirt.  I'm going to hold onto it because I know its value will appreciate a hundred fold when she inevitably runs for president (and wins!).  You just can't keep a good woman down.

Nerd Rant Time, socially adept people can tune out

The real reason why this update's so unusually late is because I've been playing inFamous.  In many ways it's like Bionic Commando, dumb and often repetitive fun centered around a really engaging play mechanic.  The story's pretty shallow--I don't think they ever bothered making more than one draft of the thing--the characters really aren't all that developed, and the twist at the end is... well, stupid--remember readers, your twist's only good if, at least on a second run through, your audience can find consistent allusions to it--but fuck it, it does the job.  Sucker Punch clearly didn't realize they weren't writing another Sly Cooper, in that your responsibilities as a story teller are much greater when you're composing something that isn't a cartoony kid-friendly adventure, but the game was fucking fun as all hell, so they get a pass.

How fucking sweet was E3?  I don't own a Wii or a DS, but I could see why a lot of Nintendo fans would've pissed their pants.  A Team Ninja Metroid game, that new Mario Bros. game looks pretty cool, and another Mario Galaxy (I thought the original sucked, but a lot of you eat that shit right up, so woohoo).  And the vitality sensor... oh boy!  Who'da thought that little nub your grandparents keep in their medicine cabinet was really the key to a gaming revolution?!  Any bets on how soon Microsoft and Sony will rip this little innovation off too?

Project Natal seemed pretty sweet.  It's hard to say how cool it'll actually be, the Peter Molyneux Milo demo was clearly bullshit and I have my doubts about that Star Trek-esque "scan!" stuff they showed in the trailer, but the interface possibilities seem promising--voice commands for logging in and entertainment control, controller free gesture input, and so on.  We didn't really see anything demoed lived that the EyeToy can't do, but it is a dual-lensed 3D camera, so I'm expecting good things.  And Crackdown 2, fuck yeah!

PS3's motion controller was pretty fucking awesome.  Unlike Nintendo's and Microsoft's motion controllers, they demoed it in a context that most of us would actually give a shit about.  No menu flipping, no Frisbee tossing, but actual wailing on motherfuckers with a sword and shurikens and a bow.  What's exciting about it is the fact that it uses the EyeToy (or Playstation Eye or whatever it's called), which has a lot of functionality similar to the Natal, like face tracking and object scanning, while keeping a controller in your hands for complex commands, like guiding an avatar through a virtual world, camera rotation, pulling triggers, etc. 

Too bad the PSPGo PSP-blows, what with no touch screen, no second analogue stick, and a higher price point despite what ought to be lower manufacturing costs from an abandoned UMD drive.

With Brutal Legend, the Last Guardian, Jak and Daxter IV, LittleBigPlanet PSP, and two new Metal Gear games, the next year is going to be pretty sweet for vidya gaming. 

--End Transmission--

PolkOut Sells Out

The following are ads I've put up on the site to help pay for my advertising budget so I can make this site more popular.  I did not choose these ads, and have decided not to filter their content.  So if they lead you to tasty vegan recipes, well, all the better.