PolkOut.com is <adjective>!

<abstruse reference>.

I told you I'd update again this week, I just wouldn't be comfortable breaking my weekly update cycle.  But anyway, because I'm pretty burnt out from midterms and lack of sleep, and I think I'm about to crash off Red Bull, I pretty much have nothing to write about.  So today I've decided to teach you kids how to make your own PolkOut comics so you can entertain yourselves when I'm asleep or passed out.

Step 1: Suck at life

You know how to be sarcastic, right?  Yeah, forget everything you knew.  Abandon your tonal inflection and rely on peoples' own discretion to discern the meaning of your statements.  Also over-analyze everything you do, like you're being watched by a panel of beautiful, but fickle, women who'll jump on any one of your minor f!ck ups--like shaking someone's hand too long or scratching your nose too often--as a reason to hate you.  Next, remember to say precisely what's on your mind, regardless of how cracked out or flat out insane.  Feel free to experiment with your own unique style of awkwardness or expand on my own, these are only the elementary steps of being a f!ckwit.  But anyway, once you're done, jot down what happened for potential use in a comic.

Step 2: Draw

You can draw, can't you?  It's not hard, hell, I do it.  So grab your pen--no pencils, no sketches, none of those circles to scale proportion, none of that sh!t--maybe pre-game a little bit or have a friend give you a dead-arm, and start drawing circles with dots in them.  We're not aiming for realism here, remember that, I'm not motherf!cking Bob Ross over here (God rest his soul), so no happy trees, no backgrounds of any kind.  You can color your drawings if you like using a number of different techniques: color pencil, crayon, marker, Photoshop...sometimes I just like to smear my own feces all over my pictures to give them not only an interesting color, but great texture too!  It's something I picked up back in high school, thanks to AP 2D art studio.

Step 3: Get a website and put your crap on the internet

Having a comic and hosting it are not the only important parts of having an bitchin' website.  No, you need text, like you're reading right here, to explain to your audience why they should be laughing.  Remember, the #1 demographic of any online comic is going to consist of the clinically insane and mentally retarded, so they may need a little help understanding your punch line (or lack thereof).  Here's a model of a text formula that's worked for me for 90+ updates (yeah, it's been that many):

<Sardonic greeting>.  <Apology for tardiness of update>, <Self loathing>.  <Empty promises>, <Personal attack on audience>.

<Reluctant explanation of the contents of your cartoon>.  <Self loathing>.  <Joke>, <Self loathing>.

<Mindless rant.>

<Closing.>

Remember to never check your spelling or grammar ever.  Spelling and language errors are like jokes...only smaller.

Simple, right?  Of course it is, any dumbass with enough patience to blow his nose has the mental capacity to run a comic like this one.  It's not hard, it's being successful that's hard, which brings me to the final, and most important step:

Step 4: Gaining a large and dedicated following

...uh...let me get back to you on this one...when, you know, I feel I'm capable of providing a thorough and helpful description of this process.

Try mastering steps 1 through 3 first and we'll see if you're competent enough to move on to the more advanced stuff.  New update coming soon.

**Additional note:  Yeah I pretty much just phoned this new comic in.  Sorry.

--Yours sincerely, wasting away--